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Movie Quotes
"Monty Python and the Quest for the Holy Grail"
Black Knight: Oh, had enough eh?
Arthur: Look, you stupid bastard. You've got no arms left!
Black Knight: Yes I have.
Arthur: Look!
Black Knight: Just a flesh wound!
Knight 1: We are now no longer the Knights who say Ni.
Knight 2: NI!
Other Knights: Shh...
Knight 1: We are now the Knights who say... "Ekki-Ekki-Ekki-Ekki-PTANG! Zoom-Boing! Z'nourrwringmm!"
"The Pest"
Pest: I have Turett's. Nice German, nice. Freak, weirdo, freak freak, woof woof, freak, weirdo!
Pest: Now that I think about it, I hope you get violated by pig monkey men in the woods!
Himmel: I don't want to make the kill. I want to be a hairdresser and write musicals.
Gustav: What?
Himmel: Oh, you'd love it if it were true. You'd tell all your friends about your hairdresser son who sits around all day listening to Ethel Merman.
Gustav: You and your snake obsession!
Himmel: If you don't like my obsession, then maybe you shouldn't have locked me in a room with a snake for six weeks.
Gustav: Are you on that again?
Himmel: I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to bore you with the defining trauma of my life.
"Wild Wild West"
President Grant: Mr. West, not every situation requires your patented approach of shoot first, shoot later, shoot some more and then when everybody's dead try to ask a question or two.
[Chased by flying, magnetic buzz-saw disks.]
Artemus Gordon: The collars are what's attracting them! They contain powerful magnets! As long as we can outrun the blades, we'll be fine!
James West: Gordon! How long does it take for a magnet to lose its power?
Artemus Gordon: About four hundred years!
James West: Damn!
"Jawbreaker"
Courtney: Everything is fine. Everything is just peachy fucking keen!
Courtney: We taught you to disrespect us?
Fern: You taught me to rule.
Courtney: Rule, bitch, but don't forget who made you!
"10 Things I Hate About You"
Katarina: Expressing my opinion is not a terrorist action.
Ms. Perky: The way you expressed your opinion to Bobby Ridgeway? By the way, his testicle retrieval operation went quite well, in case you're interested.
Katarina: I still maintain that he kicked himself in the balls.
Michael: The shit hath hitith the fan... ith.
"Bring It On"
Sparky: Cheerleaders are dancers who have gone retarded.
"Centerstage"
Jody: Cooper, you're an amazing dancer, and you're a great choreographer, but as a boyfriend... you kinda suck.
"Men In Black"
Jay: It just be raining black people in New York!
Kay: These are our two Centaurian communictions board operators, Woiebgck and Bob.
Beatrice: You here to make fun of me too?
Kay: No, ma'am. We at the FBI do not have a sense of humor we're aware of.
"Matrix"
Agent Smith: We're willing to wipe the slate clean, give you a fresh start. All that we're asking in return is your cooperation in bringing a known terrorist to justice.
Neo: Yeah. Well, that sounds like a pretty good deal. But I think I may have a better one. How about, I give you the finger [He does.] ...and you give me my phone call.
"Cruel Intentions"
Sebastian: How is your gold-digging whore of a mother enjoying Bali?
Kathryn: She suspects your impotent, alcoholic father is diddling the maid.
Kathryn: Everybody loves me. And I intend to keep it that way.
Kathryn: Oh gee, your journal. Could you be more queer?
Sebastian: Could you be more desperate to read it?
Blaine: Come to think of it, Valmont, he's probably telling you the truth. I mean, the man can barely write out a grocery list, let alone a letter! What was I thinking? Hmh!
Kathryn: God forbid I exude confidence and enjoy sex! Do you think I relish the fact that I have to act like Mary Sunshine 24/7 in order to be considered a lady? I'm the Marsha fucking Brady of the upper East Side and sometimes I wanna kill myself.
"Swordfish"
Ginger: Surprised that a girl with an IQ over seventy can give you a hard on?
Ginger: You're not too good at this golf thing, are you, Stan?
Stanley: You're fucking up my chi.
"Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil"
Jim Williams: So, which conversation shall we join?
John Kelso: The one least likely to involve gunfire.
Jim Williams: Livin' here pisses off all the right people.
John Kelso: Chablis, I'm... I'm straight.
The Lady Chablis: So am I. Straight back to my house.
John Kelso: This place is fantastic; it's like "Gone With The Wind" on mescaline. They walk imaginary pets here, Garland---on a fucking leash. And they're all heavily armed and drunk. New York is boring!
"One Hour Photo"
Sy Parrish: Nobody takes a picture of something they want to forget.
Sy Parrish: If pictures have anything to say, it's this: I was here, I existed. I was young and happy and someone cared enough about me to take my picture.
"Austin Powers 3: Goldmember"
Dr. Evil: How about NO, you crazy Dutch bastard!
Dr. Evil: I'm going to call it "Preparation H!"
Scott Evil: Ha.
Dr. Evil: What's so funny?
Scott Evil: Why don't you just call it "Operation Ass-cream?"
Dr. Evil: Ice cream? Would you like some ice cream?
Scott Evil: Yeah, I'd just love some chocolate ass-cream.
"Vanilla Sky"
David: See I got this problem, I got a stalker and she is burning a hole right through my back. I need you to pretend we are having scintillating conversation.
Sofia: That's okay, I'll improvise.
"Finding Nemo"
Dory: No eating here tonight yea, your on a diet.
Gurgle and Bloat: Sharkbait, oo-ha-ha!
Pearl: Hey. You guys made me ink.
Dory: Are... are you my conscience?
Marlin: [sighs] Yes, I'm your conscience. We haven't spoken for a while. How have you been?
Dory: Eh, can't complain.
Dory: I shall call him Squishy, and he shall be mine, and he shall be my Squishy.
Dory: Hey there, Mr. Grumpy Gills.
Dory: Yeah, we saw you and you were like "whoa." and we were like "whoa... " and you were like, "whoa...."
"Pirates of the Caribbean"
Jack Sparrow: The only rules that really matter are these: what a man can do and what a man can't do. For instance, you can accept that your father was a pirate and a good man or you can't. But pirate is in your blood, boy, so you'll have to square with that some day. And me, for example, I can let you drown, but I can't bring this ship into Tortuga all by me onesie, savvy? So, can you sail under the command of a pirate, or can you not?
Mr. Gibbs: Then, on the fourth day, he roped himself a couple of sea turtles and made a raft.
Will Turner: He roped himself a couple of sea turtles.
Mr. Gibbs: Aye. Sea turtles.
Will Turner: What did he use for rope?
Jack Sparrow: [from beside them] Human hair.
[pause]
Jack Sparrow: From my back.
Jack Sparrow: A wedding? I love weddings. Drinks all around.
Jack Sparrow: You need to find yourself a girl, mate. Or perhaps the reason you practice three hours a day is that you already found one, and are otherwise incapable of wooing said strumpet. You're not a eunuch are you?
Harbormaster: Hold up there, you. It's a shilling to tie up your boat at the dock... and I shall need to know your name.
Jack Sparrow: What say you to three shillings and we forget the name.
Harbormaster: Welcome to Port Royal, Mr. Smith.
Will Turner: This is either madness... or brilliance.
Jack Sparrow: It's remarkable how often those two traits coincide.
Jack Sparrow: Scarlet.
[She slaps him]
Jack Sparrow: I'm not sure I deserved that.
[A blond woman approaches]
Jack Sparrow: Giselle.
Giselle: Who was she?
Jack Sparrow: What?
[She slaps him]
Jack Sparrow: I may have deserved that.
Jack Sparrow: Well, then, I confess, it is my intention to commandeer one of these ships, pick up a crew in Tortuga, raid, pillage, plunder and otherwise pilfer my weasely black guts out.
"Forrest Gump"
Forrest Gump: You've always got to put the past behind you before you can move on.
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TV Quotes
"Will and Grace"
Jack: "Hmm...interesting."
Owen:"What?"
Jack: "You gave me the straight guy, double pat on the back, no hip contact hug."
Owen: "Actually, it was more of the gay guy bend at the waist, feel your delts, check out your shoes kinda hug...I think I'll take that spritzer now."
Owen: "You have no proof."
Jack: "Exhibit A!"
Owen: "There's no film in that camera."
Jack: "Do you think I'd be so stupid as to not put film in my own camera?! Hellooo (pulls film out of camera)...damn you sneaky heteros!!"
"Charmed"
Leo: Hey, I'm not nauseous!
Piper: Hey, I am! Wait, that's not good news.
Phoebe: Go away horny tom cats.
Piper: I'm being stalked by psycho killers and I hide in the shower?!
Piper: [after finding a demon kissing her husband] Kiss this, bitch.
Phoebe: Notice anything different about me?
[Paige looks at her oddly]
Piper: Engagement ring. Notice it or wear coffee.
Piper: Wow, prenatal yoga this morning and now you want to crash a stranger's funeral? You really do need friends.
Paige: You're mean.
Leo: Ok, ok, ok, just relax.
Piper: That's what I was trying to do and then somebody made me blow up my guru.
Piper: He's so... innocent. If only he had any idea what Mommy and Auntie Paige did today.
Leo: [to Wyatt] They turned a very bad man to a very big tree.
Piper: Phoebe, if you love me you will send this crazy bastard straight to Hell!
"Family Guy"
Stewie: No sprinkles. For every sprinkle I find, I shall kill you.
Stewie: So brocolli, Mother says you're good for me, but I'm afraid I'm no good for you!
Peter: Since I took over as President our profits have been higher than Alyssa Milano.
Alyssa Milano: Of all the cheap shots... Joel.
Joel: I know, I know. I'm suing, I'm suing.
Stewie: Mother, life is like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're going to get. Your life, on the other hand, is like this box of ACTIVE GRENADES.
Stewie: Did you forge my name? How dare you. Is this backwards "S" supposed to be cute? I'm going to crap double for you tonight.
[while Peter is changing Stewie]
Stewie: No, you idiot. That's not baby powder, that's paprika. Ahhhhhh. Take that.
Stewie: What the deuce?
"The OC"
Seth: Chivalry's dead, sugar.
Marissa: I guess I'm the brains.
Seth: No I'm the brains, Ryan's the braun. Sorry.
Ryan: You can be the beauty.
Summer: Then what am I?
Seth: The boobs?
Summer: Hey!
Seth: The bitch?
Summer: I'll take the boobs.
"Queer Eye for the Straight Guy"
Random woman: Are you superheroes?
One of the Fab Five: No ma'am, we're gay.
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Unforgettable Things Said by Friends and Random People
Ashlee: "There goes my future husband!"
"Shwing! Party on, Cat."
Stefan: "Just cause you're an insane sex kitten doesn't make you cooler than me."
"Hell hath no fury like that of your girlfriend."
"We can be room mates like Will and Grace, except I'm not gay...and you have boobs."
"Cat is my gumdrop princess."
"Cat is gonna be a star...or maybe just a satellite to a large cellestial body." Sarah: *laughing, but in a terrified tone* "I think I just felt your penis..."
Laura: "That's what guys are for; they break your heart, and you make a killing off the song you write about it!"
Christy: "That's like a porno gone wrong!" Christine: "Don't worry, Cat; your ass is nicer than those Hooters girls'."
"Ya know, if the creators of Spongebob liked the name Joe better than Bob, then we would have Spongejoe Squarepants."
Alisha: "It's one of those cars that you could just sit on and have an orgasm!"
Amanda: "That's like saying, 'Hello ma'am, you have beautiful poo.'"
Katy: "All you need is socks."
Derek: "DAMN!" (you have to hear him say it)
"Girl in a thong...ok, turning around, dontlookdontlookdontlookdontlook...I'm sorry, I looked."
(referring to a guy who drove by and did this weird smile and nod thing that made us laugh)"He probably did that because there are two attractive young ladies in the car. One more so than the other. (Me: Be nice.) What? I was talking about your mom!"
"(Me: Are you trying to stab me with your Play Clay?)Actually, I was trying to look down your shirt. (Me: ...For some reason I don't think you're kidding.) Heehee, me neither."
"Sonya would just look at us and be like 'Yeah, you're still assholes, you know that right? Now go clean up my piss.'"
"My precious! My precious!"
"Next time on He-Man...He-Man ownin' some fools."
"'Cause see, Dracula was one suave mothaf***a."
"Yeah, you're definately hotter than my mom."
Matt: "Damn, women aren't supposed to look that good!"
"You model. If you look like s***, the world is ending."
Curtis: "Curtis = smart relative to a very small rock."
"Cat = very hot relative to a very hot rock."
Mark: "You would've had a Carrabbagasm."
"Cat not even puke would look like puke on ya."
"Is it just me or does Omar look like an escaped convict? I bet when you put a quarter in, it stamps a tattoo on your forehead that says 'Omar's bitch'!" (Omar was a fortune telling machine at the mall)
"Carrabba needs to be honest...'on the way home this car runs out of gas, oh s*** I'm lost so I'm stuck taking the long way home.' "
James: "Mmm...we could have a little menage a twizzle?"
Will: "Just so you all know, I have a boner. That is a boner in my pants. It is sticking straight out...hey, Mom!!"
Random Chick who was a member of Homecoming Court: "Hey, hey! Do I know you? Nope, sorry...do yo thang!"
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